Ooey Gooey Hipster Brownies

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I hate baking. It’s a mess. It’s gotta be exact. It’s a pain in the ass. What ever the result is, I’ll probably hate myself after eating it. And, frankly, if I’m going to have steak or sushi for dinner I’d much rather have more steak or sushi for dessert.

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But for some lame reason I like to take on new challenges and the past couple of weeks that has manifested in from-scratch brownies. Though, full disclosure, these actually came about because I was PMS’ing like a mofo, didn’t have chocolate in the house, and didn’t want to have to put on pants to go out and get some.

I’m calling them “Ooey Gooey Hipster Brownies” at the behest of friends that felt I shouldn’t call them “Stupid Fucking Hipster Brownies”. So, I also caved to peer pressure. Black pepper. The black pepper makes them hipster.

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I wanted brownies that had a very dark almost bitter flavor. Like me, but good. I also wanted a texture that would end up like the boxed mixes, ya know a mix between cake, fudge, and ganache. To intensify the dark chocolate flavor I reduced the sugar, and added cinnamon, cherry juice, espresso, and yes, black pepper. “But Katie, why not add balsamic vinegar? That’s so hot right now with dark chocolate.” First of all, the ‘e’ in my name is silent. It’s Kate. Secondly, balsamic vinegar in desserts is so 14 years ago. And I want goo brownies, not dry pieces of crap, so shove your vinegar.

Everybody knows that in baked goods it’s not just fat that makes the moisture. Sugar traps the fatty, juicy globs and keeps it in place while baking, so to speak. So I had to reduce the sugar while balancing the fat retention, something  my body has actually perfected. Baking time also had to be tweaked, so keep an eye on these the last 10 minutes of baking – everyone’s oven and pans are different. So. Here we go.

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Stupid Fucking Hip Ooey Gooey Hipster Brownies

I use a glass pyrex 8 x 8 inch pan. You can double this for a 13 x 9 pan if you want to party it up or expedite heart disease or whatever, but I’d use a 1/4 cup less sugar.

4 large eggs

2 sticks (1lb) melted unsalted butter

1 cup sugar

2/3 cups brown sugar

2 tsps Vanilla

1 tsps cinnamon

1 TBSP powdered espresso

1 TBSP cherry syrup (from the maraschino jar you keep in shame in the back of your liquor cabinet)

2 TBSPs vegetable oil

1 tsp kosher salt

1 tsp black pepper

2 1/2 cups dark unsweetened cocoa powder (I used Hershey’s Special Dark and they came out almost black. It’s awesome.)

1/2 cup flour

1 cup mini dark chocolate chips or roughly chopped walnuts, If you like some texture.

Preheat your oven to 300. Spray your brownie pan with some non-stick spray. Start melting your butter in a sauce pan over medium heat. You want it to be able to cool a bit before adding to your eggs. Using a beater or mixer with a whisk attachment, whisk the eggs until they’re light and a little frothy. That’s the only time you’re going to use a mixer. From here on out it’s old school by hand with a wooden spoon. Once your eggs are frothed stir in the sugars, vanilla, syrup, and oil. Add the butter a little at the time so you don’t wind up with vanilla scrambled eggs. Add the salt, espresso, cinnamon, pepper, and oil.

Then add the cocoa. As any of you who have read my site knows, I don’t sift. I think terrible things about the people who take the time to sift. Don’t sift. Be hardcore. But also add it carefully, folding it in and then incorporating, otherwise you’ll have a fine coating of cocoa dust fucking everywhere. EV. ERY. WHERE. Add your flour the same way and then add the texture bits if you’re going that route. It’s probably going to be a little lumpy; that’s fine. If anyone questions your lumps, tell them the lumps are love and then accuse those people of making it difficult to love them.

Pour the mixture into your prepared pan, smooth out the top a little with a spatula, and put in the oven for 15 minutes.

After fifteen minutes, remove from oven for 15 minutes to rest. I’m not kidding.

After they’ve rested for 15 minutes, put them back in for another 30 minutes. Check with a toothpick or chopstick in the center. They should come out a little sticky, but you don’t want the tooth pick to be smoothly coated as if it’s just straight batter in the center. Cook in additional 5 minute intervals, until a toothpick placed in center comes out with little brownie chunks on it, but not completely clean.

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Let them cool in the pan for at least 30 minutes to an hour. Then move them to the fridge. If you want warm brownies, cut into them after 45 minutes and don’t refrigerate, fine.

If you want cake-like brownies because, I dunno, you had a bad childhood or something, omit the oil, double the flour, use a mixer on medium pretty much the entire time until the batter is almost stiff, and bake straight through without the rest period outside of the oven, 45 minutes to an hour, or until a toothpick comes out clean. Then throw the pan of brownies into the trash, because cake-like brownies are garbage, and just make chocolate cake.

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Seriously. Gooey and moist is the way to be.

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