Snacks on a Plane

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NOVEMBER OpenSalon Editor’s Pick
And as featured on the front page of Salon.com November

We’re all going to travel soon, all on top of each other and full of holiday cheer, though “cheer” may be the wrong term. Here’s a little something to keep that Hanger (hunger induced anger) at bay while on the road or in the skies.

I love having your elbow jammed unceremoniously into my love handle.

I don’t know you, but I already feel like you’re moving your way to second base, every time you squirm in your seat or take over the corner of my tray table.

I hate you and I hate being stuck on this plane. There’s nothing do to, movies aren’t offered any more, people feel more entitled then ever, and here we are sharing air for hours. The magazines have long lost any allure, and the crossword puzzle in People is pathetic.

That leaves one thing to do:


Here Comes the Aeroplane!

I’m a firm believer in treating others the way you would like to be treated. I may be one of the last people on earth that lives that way. It even affects how and what I eat, especially when I travel.

I refuse to be that stinky person. You know the one I mean.

When I get on a plane I generally have celery and carrots on me, maybe a sliced apple. If it’s a particularly long flight I have successfully brought along peanut butter, but I generally do not eat my veggies with any kind of salad dressing as salad dressing can be smelly and I refuse to be that person on a plane.

And of course everything has to include a chaser of an Airborne & Advil cocktail, especially if I’m going to visit my parents.

My favorite Get Through Security & Get On With Your Life snackage that won’t stink up a plane:

‘You Wish You Had My Snack’ trail mix

1/3 chocolate chips (milk or dark)

11/4 cup Kashi Go Lean Crunch

1/3 cups Craisins

1/2 cup cashews
1/2 cup almonds
1/2 cup marshmallows

1/2 cup dried apricots

1 pack of M&M’s (optional)

Melt chocolate chips and pour over 2 cups Kashi Go Lean Crunch Cearal that has been mixed with craisins. Let set, break into pieces, toss with nuts, apricots, marshmallows, and anything else you feel like. Place mix into any size ziplock bag and jam into a purse or carry on. You don’t have to worry about this stuff getting crushed. Go to airport.

Feel Fresh and Less Disgusting Upon Arrival crudités

1/2 cup celery

1/2 cup baby carrots

1 red pepper, sliced

3 string cheese things or Baby Bon Bell Cheeses

1 sliced and cored apple sprinkled lightly with lemon juice.

½ cup Green Olives (rinsed to help odor)

This may be a bit loud to eat, but the protein and fiber will keep you full without causing a sugar rush. Also great for those way over-priced wine pairings as offered by airlines. The lemon juice will add flavor and keep the apple from turning brown and the cheeses are low-smell and a decent replacement for salad dressing. I’ve found this little snack is the one from which I earn the most jealous stares. People seem to use a day of flying as an excuse to eat crap; by the end of it all that’s exactly what they feel like. I break out veggies and they glare at me like I won the lottery and won’t share. And I don’t share.

The sizes on these are all relative and easily changed based on the people eating and what you like.

It’s amazing what foods you can bring on planes. Provided it’s not a liquid or a nail clipper, security allows more through their gates then what people generally believe is okay. The last trip back to Austin I brought 2.5 pounds of different cheeses and a 1 pound link of sopresata, though, as per my refusal to be the smelly person, everything was triple plastic-wrapped and kept that way for the duration of the flight. On a trip a few months prior, I took 6 eggrolls and a couple 3oz. cups of duck sauce (neither of which you can get in Austin… well, not good ones at least) and steamed dumplings without a problem.

Hopefully by sharing that with you I didn’t just jinx anything for my next trip back east.

Don’t Get Punched in the Face While Flying

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a poem by Kate Couch

There is no dignity in travel,

And I don’t pretend to like you.

We are in this thing together, though,

So, please don’t smell like dog poo.

Don’t eat what stinks and wear clean clothes,

I’ll do the same, it’s true.

We don’t have to be friends, but you should know

Your smell will make others hate you.

Don’t cut in line like you’re entitled.

A simple “Please” will let you pass.

But I’ll be the one to cut a jerk,

If you jump in front, you ass.

If I can hear your music,

Even though it’s headphones that you wear,

You’re being rude and no one likes you,

So turn it down.

(No, it doesn’t rhyme and I don’t care.)

I say hello, but I don’t like to chat,

As flying makes me scared.

Don’t depend on others for entertainment,

And keep your own kids ensnared.

My space is tiny, but it’s all I have,

Just the same as you.

Don’t take more room like you own the place,

I’ll get slappy if you do.

Speaking of space, the overhead bins,

Are labeled per each seat.

If you can’t fit your stuff in yours,

Tell the first flight attendant you meet.

‘Cause if you take theirs, then they’ll take his,

And down the row it goes.

Over packing will delay our flight

And your dead body we’ll have to decompose.

Be kind to others when you fly,

And I’m happy to do the same.

Don’t pretend you’re the only inconvenienced one,

It’s just a flight, don’t make it War Games.


I’m not particularly religious, but I believe the whole “Do unto others…” concept is fantastic.

 Travelocity’s 2009 Rude Traveler Poll


Holidays come and go, but Pop Bytes never sleep.

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Let’s do this, shall we?

The Star Trek sequel is going to be in 3D on May 17th 2013. Yep, 1.5 years away. I personally couldn’t care less for 3D. All my friends who were blown away by Avatar, bought the movie, watched it at home in 2D and discovered the actual movie has a pretty lame plot and story line. Is it necessary? I don’t think so. Will I be seeing both 3D Hobbit and 3D Star Trek sequel? You bet your ass.

There are always great Time Lord gifts floating around on the interwebs. But if you’re really stuck with what to get your Doctor Who fanatic for this holiday season you can find a short list on Blastr. Personally, my favorite Doctor Who gift, other than a personal, driveable Dalec, is the Adipose plush doll. You might remember these adorable, wonky toothed beings as human fat. 1. I would have totally taken that pill; not everyone died. And 2. ADORABLE!

I will go see Tin Tin, but I’d be far more interested if it had less to do with Unicorns and more to do with Taun Tauns.

If you’re like me, then you love Wes Anderson. Here’s every commercial he’s made. My favorite is still the original. “Those are my birds…”

This Flight of the Concords rumor has been going around for years, just like the Arrested Development movie rumor. But now the Arrested Development film is Actually happening! So maybe there’s some true hope for Flights of the Concords. If you need a Concord fix until this is substantiated I highly recommend Gentleman Broncos. It is fantastic.

MTV Geek has posted a list of ten things about the Muppets you probably didn’t know. I’m actually pretty impressed by this.

Speaking of muppets, somebody ranked the top 25 Muppets. I’m a little appalled by this. It’s kind of like ranking your children. Besides, Sir Didymus should be number one and he’s not even on there.

What would a day be without Lego news? Not a day I’d want to experience. Walyou has a posting of my two favorite things combined into one: Lego Celebrities.

A teen told her Governor that he sucked over Twitter and he, as well as her school, is demanding an apology. Get over yourself. Yes, students need to be more politically aware, and perhaps the way she voiced her concerns were not the best, but I let Governor Perry know he’s an ass quite regularly through Twitter due to his corrupt policies and political history. It’s the way it works now. If the big bad governor can’t handle a single punk kid telling him her views, whether or not they had any basis, then he has no place being in politics.

And, finally, the world’s gummiest idiot just got stupider. Miley Cyrus had a Bob Marley birthday cake at her recent celebration and referred to herself as a stoner. Hey, Pumpkin, cry out for attention a little louder, huh? You have a Bob Marley cake ’cause you smoke pot? Not what he was about. Way to mock his Rastafarian faith. It was always my experience in high school that the moron who talked about it the most, did it the least. Also, really? Bob Marley?! I assume that you listen to his music because you, an extremely sheltered and privileged white girl, can relate to his songs. Sure. FYI: No one thinks you’re bad, no one thinks you can’t be tamed, and most importantly, no body cares. I hate that I had to bring you up here. Gross.