lord of the rings
I only buy bras at Victoria’s Secret if I have a coupon. That’s the stipulation, otherwise it’s just too extravagant for my income level. Luckily, VS sends me coupons…entirely too often.
Last night upon a shopping excursion, I was disappointed to find that not only did Victoria’s Secret stop selling my favorite bra, but that they were reverting all bras back to the styles of the 1940’s. “You don’t understand,” I began to explain to the sales girl. “I wear a lot of v-necks – 80% of my wardrobe is black, low cut tops!” She smiled understandingly and then directed me to a medieval boulder holder that lacked even the slightest padding. Jazz videos played on TV’s hanging from the ceiling and intended, I suppose, to enthuse us toward the styles of the past. I was less than thrilled.
I found Chip, and steered him from the store. The waves were restless, crashing hungrily on the dark rocky outcroppings along the coast that evening. As we walked I lamented to him about my experience in the shop. He listened, nodding, keeping any opinions he may have had inside; much more likely they simply weren’t there at all. I trailed off in my Bra Tale of Woe, noticing a man in long dark robes – a wizard, actually – teetering perilously on the black rocks.
“There’s something out there, something coming! Get some lights on the water!” he shouted, right before falling in. Chip rushed to take off his coat and dive in after the poor man. As I climbed down the rocks to pull them both onto land, my attention was caught by the ominous black shapes moving toward the shore.
There could be no doubt: ORCS!
I dragged my wizard-tugging friend out of the water, scrambling over rocks and lurching toward home. “We must get off the road, out of the town!” I gasped, and off we ran. What happened to the water logged man, I’m not sure.
Photo Credit Blogspot
Once settled into the living room of my Aunt’s house, where we were staying, I nervously watched our cats play on the carpet. Too shaken due to the approach of Orcs to watch television, I told Chip we should turn off all the lights, not draw attention to the house on the edge of the sea, and let the Orcs pass along with their thirst for blood. The living room was cozy, but featured a large wall of windows without dressings. It was quiet, warm, and horrifying, sitting there in the dark and feeling so exposed. I don’t know how many hours we sat waiting, fearing. I heard a thud, and suddenly the worst smell filled the room. We attempted to turn on the lights, but the electricity was faltering and the lamps could only muster the dimmest of glow. Against my better judgement, I chose to activate the flashlight app on my phone, just for a moment to check the cats. As I did so, I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and dove to the floor, hiding the light beneath me. While the cats were alright, we were not. Just outside the window was a gang of orcs – and on the floor in front of me the dead body of a neighbor.
“RUN!” I whispered to Chip, and sprinted toward the kitchen. “To the stairs, we’ll head up!”
My aunt’s house was built into a hill, so while the front door was on the main floor and exited out, if we could exit out back on the attic level, four stories up, we could reach the back field and escape. I grabbed the banister and wheeled around it, hurling myself up the stairs, my left hand searching behind me to keep a feel for Chip’s presence. I slowed as I reached the top realizing that other neighbors had sought refuge in the same place…and had booby trapped the second floor hall. There wasn’t time to stand in the open. Without giving our position away, I delicately made my way down the corridor, attempting to not make any Orc sounds while not making any sound at all. I reached the back bedroom and immediately looked around for a human leader of some sort, combing the room for the man courageous enough to protect his family and remain rather than fleeing, as I was attempting to do. There were children clinging to their crying mother. She must have been imploring her husband to leave with them.
Photo credit Blogspot
I turned to Chip, “Take the children through the hidden door. I will be there in a minute to direct you out.” I wanted to know what was going on outside. As Chip got the others out, I approached the man who had constructed the traps, I noticed he was shaking. He was a little shorter than I was, or was slightly cowering, in his late 40’s, fair-haired. He seemed the man who had always worked the vague office position, settling in his cubicle nicely, but not decorating it either, like a piece of furniture that could use a computer. Even still, he was the man who stayed, the one who tried.
“What’s happened?” I asked calmly, quietly, attempting not to spook him.
“Th-they came in the night. I took my family and the neighbors who answered and got them in here – they’re in the attic – WE’VE GOT TO GET THEM TO THE FIELD!” The words tumbled from his mouth like each was trying to escape before the other. His voice also got louder, something we couldn’t afford. I could hear the Orcs now in the house on the main floor. I looked past the man’s shoulder and saw who I assumed to be his son, maybe fifteen years old, slowly, nervously, rise from the back corner. I placed my hand on the man’s arm.
“You’ve set up some nice traps out there. I don’t know if it would do for you to stay-“
“I can slow them down!” he charged loudly, cutting me off.
“Okay,” I pressed softly. “Do what you feel is best. I’m going to gather the people in the attic-“
“YES! Please get them out -“
“Yes, I’m going to get the women and children out.” I said calmly, forcefully, as though trying to move my levelness to him. “Do you want me to take your son?”
The man turned slowly, his breaking heart evident on his face as he did so.
“Y-yes,” he choked.
“Okay.” I motioned for the boy to follow me, pausing at the hidden attic door to allow emotions to be conveyed between the two. After a moment’s wait I stepped through the entry stating “Come” over my shoulder. I moved into the area, searching for faces as I did so. Numerous children, all younger than the man’s son. Five or Six women. Chip, darkness. Quiet sobbing. I heard the door slide shut and knew the boy had left his father. Noises began from outside. The panic that spread on the faces of the hidden was immediate.
“We are not at the top floor yet,” I stated firmly, controlled. “We have to go up two flights. It is after dawn, and they are coming.” Attempting to move everyone out to the hidden stair before the children had time to whimper their fear, I directed everyone toward the stairs in the corner of the room. Daylight was beginning to creep through cracks in the wood. In the odd design of the home there was no third floor from this tiny area, merely two flights to a forth floor attic. Built as if aware of the impending Orc threat, the third floor was what appeared to be the only attic, and only accessible from the obvious attic entry from a drop down ladder in the ceiling of the second floor hall. I assumed the orcs would search there and, while I also assumed they would eventually find the hidden door, I hoped their shear stupidity combined with the unnamed man’s heroism would buy us sometime.
Photo credit Tumblr
Once we scaled the steps to the small fourth floor attic room, I moved the children away from the door, huddling with the women toward the back to help keep them quiet. The teenaged son stayed defiantly at the door, as if ready to pounce on whatever came through. I allowed him his courage, knowing it would be both pointless and hurtful to him to attempt otherwise. Chip stood against the eave. And I watched.
There we stayed for who knows how long. I did my best to convey calm while I listened closely to the sounds of the house, attempting to decipher anything close, measuring the distance of each noise. The sun was up by the time the sounds shrank enough that I dared move. Much to the dismay of Chip, I wouldn’t allow an exit onto the field until I knew we either had to escape or that the orcs were truly on the losing side within the house; I didn’t know what awaited us on the exterior of the house and I wasn’t willing to take any chances until I was sure. I sat there, arms crossed, slightly leaned toward the door, silent, intent.
Eventually, the shouts and bangs quieted down. I turned hearing a train in the distance. Now. Now was the time to move. We needed to get as many people as possible away from the area and that train was our chance. I moved toward the pitched roof interior and slid my hand over the wood, looking for the break I knew was there. Finding the hidden handle, I tugged, popping out a three foot by two foot piece of what would other wise look like attic roof. I stuck my head out the opening and could see a few other humans gathered on the field, anxious, but waiting. Without hesitation I motioned everyone out of the attic. I remained there alone for a moment, listening to the lessened, but still aggressive clamor coming from the other parts of the house.
I wish I could say that I found my courage. That I went back through the door leading to the stairs, charging down the hidden flights, to find the man who remained and hauled him to safety.
I didn’t. I stared at the door, swallowed, and left.
Photo credit Mind Touch
There were no screams outside. My eyes, wincing in the sun, found the women gathering the children, comforting them, while searching for their other relations. Dozens of people were beginning to converge on the field from all directions, but slowly, as if exhausted, not scared. My eyes scanned and finally rested on Chip. He was observing a group of musicians who had not only escaped, but had done so with their instruments. They were setting up to play, as if desperate for normalcy after the horrors of the previous night. Chip’s face was blank.
I took out my phone and looked up a train schedule for the area. It was all well and good that we seemed relatively okay for the moment. Reinforcements for the Orcs would be coming, however, and if a military force didn’t show up soon any safety we felt now would be shattered.
8pm. I sighed, knowing that train would be too late, though I hadn’t stopped to check the current time in my haste. 11:34am. Definitely too late. It seemed impossible that the morning was almost over, that the sun was not only out, but high in the sky.
I turned to the right to see my friends Nell and Fiona jogging toward me. “Thank God!” We embraced. They began to recant to me their own tale of surviving the night, my look expressionless as I tried to take everything in. They were so animated in comparison to my own fatigued, stoney face.
“What’s next?” I murmured staring down the outlying road.
“That’s what we were going to ask YOU!” stated Nell. “Have you heard anything?”
“No….but last I checked the Orcs didn’t drive a caravan of white shuttle buses.”
The girls turned to follow my line of site. Coming down the road and circling the field was a dozen or so small white shuttle buses.
Photo credit Bus Sales
“LET’S GO!” the girls screamed and ran toward the closest one. I didn’t budge, instead taking a moment to watch the scattering people that had grown to a crowd in the hundreds, searching for Chip, rather than dissolving into the mayhem. I was positive I would see him boarding a shuttle on the opposite side of the field near the musicians. Only I didn’t.
“Kate! KAAAATE! COME ON!” shouted Nell through the shuttle window.
Military men were now walking the grass, barking at people to get on the shuttles and move out “ASAP”. Where was Chip? Hesitating I began to move toward the bus, still ever hunting for some sign of Chip, listening for a shout, anything. But there was nothing.
Fiona half pulled half dragged me onto the bus, my face never leaving the field. I was fumbling with my phone waiting for his call to say he was fine. I could hear Fiona and Nell assuring me that they were certain he was alright, but it was kindness and not assurance that made them say such things, as if they were trying to smother the doubt in their throat. I stared out the window as the bus began to move. Mostly everyone was on a vehicle at that point and field was almost deserted save for the remaining military personal. I began to text Chip, glancing incessantly out the window. Where was he? Why wasn’t he contacting me?
Chip. Shuttle bus. Chip. Chip. Please. Shuttle bus. Chip. My texts repeating, begging more than asking.
We circled the field on the exit. As we did so I noticed a young orc, maybe a teen at most, who was obviously suffering from hypertrichosis. The hair on his face had been dyed neon green, I assumed as fear tactic imposed by the other orcs. He looked right back at me, both sad and humiliated, as military scientists descended on him for study. I had enough strength within to allow my heart to ache for the orc boy, even in the attack of the night before, even with my missing friend, because that’s what makes us human. Empathy.
I looked at the phone in my hands. Silent. Still no message from him. I looked up as the buses began to cross a bridge to the mainland – and noticed they were separated into two lines, each going in opposite directions.
“Wait!” I shouted. “WAIT! Where are the buses going? Will we meet at night?!” I was blindly trying to dial Chip while searching anyone for answers on the bus.
“Ma’am, please calm down. We need to get everyone as far away as possible. All will be revealed at a later time.”
The phone was ringing. Ringing. Ringing…Voicemail.
Photo credit BBC
That’s when I woke up. I saw the outline of Chip, his back toward me asleep. It was all I could do to keep from hitting him awake and berating him for ignoring my calls. You can bet he got an earful when he woke up.
Also, I’ve been texting him all morning: “Chip! Cell phone! SHUTTLE BUS!”
And each time he’s sent me a reply. Thank goodness.
* First of all: Horse Riding Fitness ACE POOOOOOOOOOWER!!!!!
Okay. I feel better now. Super fit…or at least super something.
* Netflix added the next season of Breaking Bad to Watch Instantly this past weekend. Naturally, my marriage has been put on the back burner until all episodes can be watched.
* Wired interviewed Neil Gaiman and his wife, Amanda Palmer. It’s all fine and good and funny and interesting. Whatever. All I really got out of it was that I am not Neil Gaiman’s wife, and I should be. At least I’ve believed I should be since the age of 13. [Wired]
* If you haven’t heard by now, you should know: There’s a guy in the hills of Utah dressing and behaving as a goat. Some are speculating that he’s a hunter. I am speculating he’s a man dressed as a goat with 99 problems and hunting ain’t one of them. [WebProNews]
* Every time you start to think you’re cool, just remind yourself that you’re not Patrick Stewart. You are not Patrick Stewart, and you never will be. You’ve never had the accolades he’s earned from doing Shakespeare while simultaneously doing voices for Seth McFarlaine and being the Captain of the Enterprise. And you won’t run the olympic torch across London while looking super awesome doing it. [Blastr]
* And, finally, Peter Jackson debuted the newest Hobbit journal at Comic Con. Whoot!
It’s Peanut Butter Hobbit time!
Let’s do a couple of Sunday morning rumors, shall we?
* The Guardian is throwing around the rumor that Peter Jackson may have plans to change the ending of the Hobbit. Now, the title for this article is “Will Peter Jackson give Tolkien’s Story a New Ending?” and I resent that. A title like that causes millions of Ringers to shit themselves while simultaneously hitting a thousand internet nerd forums to pour angry font diarrhea out over nothing. Remember how the Return of the King (the movie) ended? Do you remember how the book ended? Yeah, not the same. The Shire was over run by the time Samwise and Frodo got back. Their story didn’t end when they finally disposed of the ring in Mount Doom. Frodo did see enslavement of the Shire in the movie, when he looked in Galadriel’s mirror; this is the fate of the Shire regardless of whether or not Frodo completes his quest, not just in the event of failure as she states.
[Photo courtesy of Screenrant]
The rumor of change was brought about due to an EmpireOnline interview with Benedict Cumberbatch in which he stated that he voices Smaug (Yeaaaa!) and the Necromancer (speaking of the dead, not a doer of the dead) who eventually turns into the eye of Sauran. The Necromancer’s change into the Sauran happens not int The Hobbit, but later and involves the Battle of Five Armies, which is well away from any part of There and Back Again. So, we’ll just have to see.
The fact remains that my excitement for the films is undiminished.
I love Tolkien’s works. And I loved the movies. I’m not worried about any little tweak Peter Jackson may make. He’s stretching the Hobbit into two movies and it’s not that long of a book. Maybe he needs a little filler.
* Apple is apparently unleashing both an iPad 3 AND 4 in 2012. This is stupid. I don’t believe that for a second. I do believe that they may try a scaled down version to compete with the Kindle Fire and new Nook, but until I have a $300 ipad in my hands, I’m not getting a boner for any new iPad rumors for quite a while. [Inquistr]
Photo courtesy of Inquistr
I have to be off to Ultimate Frisbee, but afterwards Chip & I will be having a Rib Off.
That’s right: Not just one rib recipe, but TWO.
I am slightly sad we didn’t see a glimmer of Smaug even though I knew full well he wouldn’t be in the first part of the Hobbit. That being said, I don’t want to admit to the amount of times I’ve watched that trailer…and have subsequently gotten my coworkers to do the same.
On to Pop Bytes!
* Daniel Radcliffe, also known as Entertainment Weekly’s Entertainer of the Year, will be hosting SNL in January. The musical guest will be Lana Del Rey. I have no idea who that is. Radcliffe is the first of the Holy Harry Potter trifecta to host the legendary skit show. Emma Watson of now modeling and acting fame has a fairly good chance for a future spot given her blossoming career. Not sure the same could be said for the rough looking ginger one at this point… [NYDailyNews]
* 1 million Avengers = No time for Diddlin’! Okay, there aren’t 1 million Avengers, but there are quite a few and when you write a script that pays specific attention to each that leaves little time for love makin’ on the side, according to writer Joss Whedon. So if you were planning on seeing the Black Widow and Hawk Eye get it on, keep dreaming. [Blastr]
* The trailer for 21 Jump Street is now online, though unlike the Hobbit trailer, I’m not sure too many people will be chomping at the bit to view it. Or watching it more than once. I too enjoyed the television show. When I was eleven.
* While we’re still working off that Hobbit mountain high, let me point out that Google Maps has a Middle Earth easter egg. If you haven’t already typed “Let it snow” into a google search bar, you should hop on that bandwagon, too. [BuzzFeed]
* Can’t get enough Batman buzz? Well, a new trailer has been released to help ease – or worsen – your addiction. [Apple Trailers]
* His belly shakes like a bowl of jelly. His beard is as white as the snow. He’s got a twinkle in his eye and a button red nose. And, apparently, Santa also has a boner for suuuuuuuuper slutty teenage girls. I guess it also burns when he pees now, huh? [BuzzFeed]
* A replicator would be great, but just working on the Enterprise for the United Federation of Planets would be tops!…But, then, I’d still probably be an admin, and I bet even in space that post ain’t a glamorous one. With the iPad 2 we’re all ready ahead of the tablets that the Starfleet crew used and Apple is bringing us closer to holographic messages day by day. Still, there are other awesome gadgets we thought we’d have by now that just aren’t a reality. [Tecca]
* Speaking of Star Trek, the 398,000th rumor to hit the news is that the sequel will have a little Capt. Pike action in it. There have been so many even “confirmed” rumors that have been squashed at this point. Though I’d be thrilled for his inclusion, I will take this with a grain of salt. [Blastr]
* And, finally, Spoke Art has released Star Wars ninja prints. And I want them all! [MTV Geek]
The Hobbit trailer. I am absolutely in love. Hate the thought of having to wait a year just to see the first part; I’m REALLY looking forward to Benedict Cumberbatch’s Smaug.
It has been posted on the Official Hobbit Movie Studio Blog that they will be airing the Hobbit trailer TONIGHT at 10pm ET/PT and again tomorrow night at 9pm. Miss it and you’ll have to catch it when it shows before Tin Tin.
A satellite feed will be setup for 15 minutes to accommodate the trailer.
More info, as well as the trailer itself when the time comes, can be found on the Official Site Page.
It’s Monday. Yippee.
* Two episodes of Doctor Who have been found, having been assumed lost for the last few decades. Ironically it was Sam that came back to give us the episodes and not the Doctor himself. (That was a Quantum Leap reference in case you’re confused.) [io9]
* I’m not the only one that sees Twilight as poorly written, poorly acted dribble – George Takei does, too! Watch Takei fearless vent his true feelings on the franchise, all while brokering peace between Star Trek & Star Wars. Oh, my!
* Struggling to get in to the holiday spirit? Perhaps this list of 30 Science Fiction/Santa mashups will help. Listen, if Greivous can become one with Christmas, love, and the joy of giving, than so can you. [Blastr]
* Someone has decorated the escalator in the Tel Aviv City Hall to run the entire Star Wars intro story while the stairs incline up. Now we just have to get John Williams pumped through the Muzak service.
* In a recent interview, Steven Spielberg revealed a more sinister side of E.T. Originally based on the Kelly -Hopkinsville Encounter, what became a loveable, Reese’s Peices alien was at first planned to be a mean, green goblin extraterrestrial and was based on a small town’s real life experience in 1955. So, riddle me this, Speilberg: Why, oh why, did you insist upon changing the policemen’s guns to walkie-talkies if the account of the living, breathing aliens were, in fact, actually shot? [Huffington Post]
If you haven’t heard of the Kelly-Hopkinsville Encounter, I highly suggest you at least Wikipedia it. It’s a brief, interesting read, great for a break from work.
* Fashion is finally headed my way with Mordor inspired nail art. One nail to rule them all and with the middle, flip them. [BuzzFeed]
* The trailer to Battleship the Movie. Yes, based on the board game. And, yes, starring the classically paired stylings of Rihanna and Liam Neeson. [MTV Entertainment]
* Lionsgate has decided to do yet another remake of American Psycho. Apparently because Christian Bale’s brilliant performance in the 2000 remake wasn’t good enough. Lionsgate is looking to make a “…modern day adaptation…”, to which I, again, refer to the 2000 remake. Also, this would be a re-remake, which is as sloppy as it is unnecessary. [ShockTilYouDrop]
* Want to make sure no one steals your iPad? Disguise it as an original Macintosh computer, something so outdated that people will believe ironic fashion has now become ironic technology. I recently got a similar disguise for my iPhone. Now people just assume I’m always carrying around a toaster. [MTV Geek]
* Louis C.K. is easily one of the top performers/writers/directors/comics in the U.S. right now. His self loathing seems to never get tiresome. And his newest special can be obtained from his website for a mere $5, leaving absolutely no reason to not indulge in a little C.K. [YouAintNoPicasso]
* I love Tommy Lee Jones. I really do, which is why I supported him when he decided to take part in Men In Black and its sequel. Now a trailer for Men in Black III has been released. There’s only so much of Will Smith playing himself that I can take. He played himself in Independence Day, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Wild Wild West, and now 3 – count ’em, THREE – Men in Black movies. I….I just don’t know that I can support Tommy Lee Jones any more.